Trailrunners, Beware the Woodchuck Holes!

by Bob Kopac

“Oh yes, about 175 miles (a week of running) a couple of times. It is easy once you are fit and healthy… We were running all these trails and just having a great time.” Patti Catalano Dillon

The above quote was from my July 2006 interview with National Distance Running Hall of Fame inductee Patti Dillon that appeared in Runners World Online in November. After reading that quote, it should be obvious to trailrunners what inevitably would happen. After the article appeared, Patti sent me an e-mail that read, “Of course, what people don't know, is that I fractured my ankle in August. I fell in an animal hole on the trails. Just starting to run again...”

Patti’s broken ankle illustrates the perils of trailrunning. I once wrote an article called “Trailrunners, Beware the Beak!” about the dangers trailrunners face from turkeys hanging upside down. (Link to this article on this web site) I should have written a second article called “Trailrunners, Beware the Woodchuck Holes!” If I had, perhaps I might have saved Patti, for I bet she fell in a woodchuck hole. Woodchucks are evil. I base that on experience.

Once, while I was looking out my second-floor window, I observed a woodchuck standing on its hind legs so it could more easily look through the first-floor picture windows and scan the inside of my house -- a Stephen King scenario. This past year I discovered woodchuck holes under my front porch, at the left rear corner of the house, and at the right rear corner, even though there are critter-friendly woods behind my house. I suspect the evil varmints were trying to undermine the foundation to cause my house to collapse.

Anyway, back to Patti. With an entire forest in which to dig holes, why would a woodchuck decide to dig a hole in a trail where Patti runs? I have my theories:

• The woodchuck wanted to get Patti’s autograph and figured this was the best way to get her to stop there.
• It was easy to dig holes in trails tenderized by the pounding feet of Patti and Danny Dillon.
• The woodchuck became annoyed by the constant ground-shaking caused by Patti’s and Danny’s running.
• The woodchuck dug a trap for unsuspecting trailrunners because it wanted a sporting trophy for its den.
• With the high prices of running shoes nowadays, it was a running-shoe-jacking attempt.

What Patti needs to do to protect herself:

• Strap on snowshoes in the summertime. There is no way she can fall into a woodchuck hole while wearing snowshoes.
• Carry fenceposts (good upper-body conditioning) while running and use the woodchuck holes as fencepost holes. This has the added benefit of helping mark the trails. However, the downside is it might attract beavers.
• Carry cement (more good upper-body conditioning) and fill in the woodchuck holes wherever she finds them. Yes, the varmint will dig new holes right next to the cement, but she can avoid the holes by leaping from one cement plug to another. She then should fill in the new holes. Eventually the trail path will be 100% cement. Unfortunately, since the reason she probably runs in the woods is to avoid running on cement, she will have to find another trail and start over.
• Hire mercenaries to eliminate the woodchuck. I recommend Carl Spackler (Bill Murray’s character in the movie Caddyshack). Second choice is Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall’s character in the movie Apocalypse Now). However, Smokey the Bear might be concerned when he hears, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory.”
• Give woodchucks free pedicures. They wouldn’t risk destroying their pedicures by digging holes.

However, the best way to stop woodchuck holes is to pass a town ordinance that woodchucks must acquire a building permit to dig holes. Anyone who has tried to get a building permit knows it would take forever for a woodchuck to obtain one.